#SR Week 1: Need for Change or Escapism or is it Atychiphobia?

You know that desperate need to do anything but what is needed of you; be anywhere but the present; I have been there and this might be an insight into one of the "why" of such instinct.

Of late, I have been navigating towards moving out of my current city. And because I have a lot of time to think these days, a thought suddenly struck me. It's not really a thought rather a nostalgic realization about having had similar tendencies in the past. It almost seems to me like I have this hidden escapist tendency that as soon as the smallest hint of boredom strikes, I am up, pack my bags and out of my room, out of the city and would probably be out of the country had I enough resources. My current circumstances forbid me from repeating similar patterns of the past but mind you these are purely external, having no bearing on my inner mental state clinging desperately to that snippet of freedom where I am not being restrained against my will. Unfortunately, explicit or implicit, the situation almost forbids me from reliving my past stories.

But as I have started reading more, I find myself thinking more, which leads me to observe, analyze, criticize (which happens to be my favorite out of pretty much everything I do) and introspect. Following one such bout of a compelling introspection spree, which made me turn off the stove I had put my tea on, led me here. Because I could not make sense of all the thoughts in my head I had to use my writing space. These jumbled thoughts become more vociferous when they are about something which I am ashamed of, or embarrassed about, or even simply do not wish to talk about.

Escapism has been a constant companion albeit in the capacity of a foe. As I have been thinking more and more of moving cities (Because of the incumbent transfer of my husband) the desperation is on an uncontrollable spike. The idea for a fresh start seems much easier than to survive the reality of persisting mediocrity which may be a result of fear, procrastination, and too many similar escapist shenanigans of my former past. The same tendencies were wriggling in (full disclosure - they already have) when I, for the first time, spotted them, just in time before they settled in ready to corrode and erode not just my thoughts but also the ensuing actions. As I write this piece, I notice two things: 

1. My thoughts are clearer than they had been when I began to write it.

2. Sometimes it is important to sit and ponder upon the real, substantive and concrete issue rather than the resultant countenances. 

I cannot claim to always win over the fog created by these strong countenances and tend to, more often than I would like, fall prey to their created beguiling reality which quite frankly is strong enough to obscure the reality. I say this gingerly because this truth is not entirely unseen by and unknown to us. It is merely glossed and sometimes painted over by the immediately preceding and demanding circumstances. For me it has always been a sense of disappointment with myself. Of perhaps not fulfilling my externally perceived potential which permeated this thought (little by little) as a belief that if I am not best at something I am nothing. It led me to escape even the smallest of could-be-achievements not for the fear of failure but for the fear of not excelling/succeeding which I later discovered (by chance) is in fact a condition called atychiphobia.

This constant need to escape, run, avoid, skip as soon as the possibility of failure hits my nervous system has taken too much time from me. I have been on a long and tiring one-step-forward fear  and all-steps-back approach without even realizing it. Chasing success and never ostensibly attaining it rendered me frustrated, depressed and more or less a couch potato.

I am not saying I am at an apogee or in need of medical attention but I have been escaping and I have this realization now. And in my experience knowing, acknowledging and accepting the truth, not half truth, not baked truth, not glazed truth — THE truth — in all its nakedness and starkness, full of scars, full of pain, full of memories, but most importantly, full of YOU, is the biggest stepping stone you can provide to yourself. I did read about some exposure therapy and this effort right here, is my way of exposing myself, first to myself, and then gradually, hopefully, to the world.